A Guide To World of Warcraft Classes

I'm sure you've at least thought of giving World of Warcraft a try. And why not?? It's awesome. However, you will have a not so awesome time if you create a character with a class that doesn't suit you. Allow me to give you an expert's description of each and guide your decision to the right answer.
Class: Rogue
Real Life Analogue: Assassins and Cat Burglars
What's It Play Like??: Playing a Rogue in WoW is more or less like playing Ninjas, Thieves, and Assassins all rolled up into one. To put it simply, you can do a fuckton of melee damage but you have no armor so you will also die easily if confronted face to face. Though you get all kinds of neat things like poisons, lockpicking, and the ability to stun enemies, you will spend the majority of the game going into stealth mode and slowly walking toward enemies and then killing them quickly. If spotted or confronted by more than one enemy, you die quickly. Basically, playing a Rogue is like playing the PC game Thief (or any stealth action game on consoles) in a MMORPG. So, they suck. Don't play as them. They're for noobs.

Class: Shaman
Real Life Analogue: Medicine Man
What's It Play Like??: Much has been made of the fact that the Shaman is the jack-of-all-trades class in WoW. They can fight, heal, cast buff/debuff spells, cast offensive spells, and take damage without dying quickly. However, what this really means is that they suck at everything. You'll never be as good at anything as any other class and you'll have to juggle so many different skills and spells that your screen will become a clogged mess akin to a hardcore PC strategy game. So, they suck. Don't play as them. They're for noobs.
Class: Warlock
Real Life Analogue: Goths and the guy in the second Indiana Jones movie who can take people's hearts out of their chests by chanting
What's It Play Like??: Warlocks are often considered the power class of WoW that super hardcore people can do sickening damage with. Things couldn't be further from the truth. Sure, they have almost bottomless health and magic, can call upon demons for aid, can cast magic that either hurts or hurts a lot over more time, can create items that heal or summon other characters, get their mounts for free, and look pretty damn cool...but they're pussies. Everyone makes fun of Warlocks behind their backs. So, they suck. Don't play as them. They're for noobs.
Class: Warrior
Real Life Analogue: Those big dudes who do the Strong Man competitions where they have to throw giant logs and carry progressively heavier/larger metal balls and place them on top of pedestals
What's It Play Like??: If you have absolutely no imagination or skill, then Warriors are for you. They are quite possibly the most boring and easy class in the game. Imagine a Final Fantasy where all you could do is select 'Fight' over and over. That's Warriors. So, they suck. Don't use them. They're for noobs.
Class: Druid
Real Life Analogue: Furries and/or Hippies
What's It Play Life??: Druids are kind of like Shamans in that they can do everything but they can't do anything well. However, in order to do badly what other classes do well, Druids have to shapeshift into various animal forms. They are also vegetarians and probably enjoy a good drum circle, if you catch my drift. You know how Druids were secretly one of the best classes in the BioWare/Black Isle PC RPGs?? Well, in World of Warcraft they're not-so-secretly among the worst. So, they suck. Don't play as them. They're for noobs.
Class: Hunter
Real Life Analogue: Uhm, Hunters. Also, Zookeepers
What's It Play Like??: Playing a Hunter in WoW is really hard. Yes, they do lots of damage from a distance and can choose a pet from among most of the game's enemies, and they can use 'traps' to disable or hurt foes, but they're difficult to control. Your pets are guaranteed to do idiotic things, your traps often fail or are triggered by the wrong thing, your gun jams or your arrows get woodrot...Yeah, Hunters are like WoW on hard mode. The only people who play as Hunters are NRA fanatics and disgruntled zoo employees. You know, there's a good reason so many people play as Hunters in WoW: most people are stupid. And that, combined with the shittiness of the class, is why you never see anyone trying to find Hunters for groups or dungeon raids. So, they suck. Don't play as them. Only noobs play as them.
Class: Mage
Real Life Analogue: The Amazing Jonathon
What's It Play Like??: At first glance, Mages are awesome. They get the sort of big, impressive spells that get all of us RPG fans of all stripes hot and bothered. Unfortunately, the truth about Mages in WoW is that they're garbage. Playing a Mage is like playing a suicide bomber: you can dish out tons of damage, but you usually die in the process. Even high level Mages will die in one hit from level 1 squirrels. If you ever want to die over and over in a dungeon, have a Mage in your party. They're sure to fling out a bunch of spells that anger every creature in a ten block radius and get you all killed. So, they suck. Don't play as them. They're for noobs.
Class: Paladin
Real Life Analogue: Medieval Christian Crusaders and those pompous, I-went-a-private-school types in your college classes that always have to bring their religion into everything
What's It Play Like??: I used to wonder why almost all of the Crusades were failures, but then I tried a Paladin in WoW and I instantly got it: Crusaders are walking cans of green beans waiting for a Muslim sword to open them. Within the context of WoW, Paladins are a hybrid of Warriors and Priests. And you know what that means: they don't do as much damage as Warriors so they're even more boring to play as, with the added "benefit" of limp healing/buff spells that couldn't save anyone from dying from even the weakest of attacks. Like a splinter. So, they suck. Don't play as them. They're for noobs.
Class: Priest
Real Life Analogue: Priests, Carebear fans, and crybabies
What's It Play Like: Forgive me for implying that the Paladin was WoW's most boring class. That dubious honor goes to the Priest, who can heal people...and that's it. They will die as fast as Mages without any of the cool looking attack spells. They can't fight hand to hand, immediately outclassed by level 1 snakes. They don't get pets like Hunters or Warlocks. The coolest thing they get is a magic shield that prevents a certain amount of damage for a set amount of time, which was the game designer's way of saying "we know this class is utter shit, so here's a cheat code built into the game." I can hear the experts out there yelling that most people level up their Priests under the Shadow skill path so they have actual offensive capabilities, but all that really does is turn your Priest into a bad healer and a mediocre wannabe Mage/Warlock rolled up into one. No matter how you slice it, Priests are weaksauce. If you see a Priest in the game, you can bet that everyone else is laughing at them, and you should, too. So, they suck. Don't play as them. They're for noobs.

Class: Zergling
Real Life Analogue: When you see a million ants attacking and killing a larger bug
What's It Play Like??: Zerglings are the only real class in the game, as far as the expert players are concerned. They're kind of like Warriors in that they're physical fighters, but they can summon hundreds of copies of themselves, so I guess they're sorta like Hunter or Warlock pets. Some would argue that this takes all the fun out of the game, because all you have to do is Zerg rush everything and you can power level to 70 in 1/20th of the time it would take other classes to reach there...but these people are morons and noobs. The only fun part about WoW is getting to 70 and then running the same instance over and over to get an item that drops once every presidential election. Zerglings will have you doing this tedious, unrewarding...oops, I mean, awesome and hardcore gameplay style in no time!! So, they rock. Play as them. Only noobs don't play as them.